Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Drunk Philosophy

After a night of heavy drinking, a friend bet I was too intoxicated to think of a single American philosopher. I rose to the challenge immediately invoking John Rawls. So ensued an inebriated explanation of the “original position”, a concept from his book, A Theory of Justice. The following is an edited transcription of a poor quality audio recording of the conversation.

LISA MARIE: We are all behind the veil of ignorance.

FRIEND: What is it called?

LISA MARIE: The veil of ignorance, which is essentially a blind curtain. Like, if you’re a fetus and your choosing, and your choosing, “What am I going to be?” And you have an assortment of choices in front of you.

FRIEND: Mmhmm

LISA MARIE: But you’re a fetus and you’re dumb [giggles] so you can’t choose anything! [punctuated laugh] So it’s just luck of the draw [pause] essentially.

FRIEND: What are your choices?

LISA MARIE: Well, the choices available are poor or rich.

FRIEND: And?

LISA MARIE: And everything in between. The retarded people and the smart people! The smart people gotta look out for the retardeds.

FRIEND: [sardonically] The redardeds?

LISA MARIE: [laughing] Cuz there’s a lot of ‘em! [laughter continues] Especially in America.

FRIEND: Yeah?

LISA MARIE: There’s a lot.

FRIEND: Which one are you?

LISA MARIE: Right now, I’m one of the retardeds. [pause] but usually, I’ll take care of them.

FRIEND: What about your dog?

LISA MARIE: He’s totally retarded. [laughing] Have you heard him? He’s a mouth breather.

FRIEND: Yes, but his nose is…

LISA MARIE: [staunchly interrupting] He’s brachycephalic! Brachycephalic, it’s the term.

FRIEND: Okay.

LISA MARIE: Look it up. Brachycephalic. [chuckles] He’s got nnno face. Brachycephalic. It could be an “e” it could be an “o” around in there…

FRIEND: I think it’s an “o”.

LISA MARIE: [inaudible]...but it means [inaudible] anything that looks like it [loud hand clap] ran into a wall, it’s brachycephalic.

[pause]

LISA MARIE: John Rawls says! [pause] You don’t choose where you are when you live. Therefore, we should all choose from behind the veil of ignorance as if we didn’t know what we were gonna be. Cuz if you’re a fetus and your smart…

FRIEND: You mean be empathetic?

LISA MARIE: …fetus and you’re smart, means you gotta choose, and just go with the best bet iiiis the middle ground: which is welfare; which is we should take care of each other.

FRIEND: That sounds…

LISA MARIE: John Rawls was like, “You guys, you know, if you judge people…and you assume you’re going to be fortunate and then you say, ‘I’m a shoe in.’ Then, yeah you are the asshole”. But John Rawls, he was on to something. Even though I don’t think that…wait a second…He thought that we should take care of children. I think we should not fucking-take-care-of-children because that’s your choice. You-you make the babies…

FRIEND: You mean, society should take care of children?

LISA MARIE: [fiery] No! The individual should be liable to chillen-you-fuckin-sided to make those babies, you gotta take care of those babies!

FRIEND: And the retardeds’ children?

LISA MARIE: [definitively] Fuck the retardeds.

FRIEND: That is not John Rawls philosophy. You are anti-Rawls.

LISA MARIE: Nn--sometimes.

[extended pause]

FRIEND: John Rawls.

LISA MARIE: [sternly] John Rawls! [holding my fists over my head] Steve Holt! [exasperated] John Rawls.

FRIEND: Are you done with him?

LISA MARIE: [softly] No, no, not done. [sigh] I agree with what he is saying. He is saying, if you don’t know where your situation is going to land, you’re probably going to bet on the average. That is to say, you’re going to look at what you got potentially; either really good or really bad, and you’re gonna say, “I’m just gonna go with the middle ground.” Essentially: welfare.

FRIEND: I-I donno, I don’t quite follow you. I don’t understand at which point a person’s gambling on where they are going to land.

LISA MARIE: From behind the veil of ignorance, from behind knowing where you’re going to land in society, you just don’t even fuggin know. If everybody is behind this veil…

FRIEND: Are we talking about at birth?

LISA MARIE: Mmm before birth—before birth. [scoffs] Fetuses they’re stupid.

FRIEND: You can’t call fetuses stupid. It’s like calling a rock dumb.

LISA MARIE: [playfully] Do you think that rocks are smart?

FRIEND: [indignantly] No, I don’t think they have the capacity to be dumb.

LISA MARIE: [giggles] Okay, well fetuses don’t have the capacity, so when you don’t have the capacity you’d be behind the veil of ignorance. And yet, if you’d potentially have the capacity—you’re still behind the veil of ignorance. Okay? So you’re with rocks—the same as fetuses.

[both laughing]

LISA MARIE: Sso…if you’re behind the veil of ignorance you’d say, I’m just gonna make—I’m just gonna make it fair.

FRIEND: Who’s I’m going to make what fair?

LISA MARIE: You! [solemnly] Y—you.

FRIEND: You’re going to crawl up to a fetus and go, “I want the middle”? You’re going to crawl up a womb…

LISA MARIE: [giggling competes with words] That is what John Rawls says, yeah! John Rawls—John Rawls face first [I bring my hands up to my face with fingers stretched mimicking female genitals] right up the vagina he says…

FRIEND: I don’t think you’re remembering this right. He’s not shouting this out from a canyon.

LISA MARIE: Nooo, [my gesture] is not a canyon.

FRIEND: This is not Plato’s ca—

LISA MARIE: Plato didn’t have a canyon he had a cave and it was an allegorrryyy, not a real cave. John Rawls says, [hands back at my face] John Rawls says, “ I want justice.” [fit of laughter]

FRIEND: So, let me get this straight. There is a mini John Rawls shouting into vaginas and that is how we have become a welfare state?

LISA MARIE: [giggles] Yeah! [giggles trail off into a sigh] Anyway, look it up.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

So glad you posted this. Always hilarious!